Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence in Marriage

Marriage is not merely a legal bond or a social contract. It is a sacred trust (amaanah) and one of the most profound means of spiritual growth, emotional refinement, and character development. Yet, one of the leading causes of tension and emotional breakdown in marriages is the lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence on the part of one or both spouses.

Why Conflicts Escalate: The Hidden Roots

Many conflicts in marriage are not necessarily rooted in malice or wickedness. Rather, they stem from unaddressed differences in upbringing, beliefs, values, and expectations. Every individual comes into marriage carrying emotional luggage—shaped by culture, family dynamics, and past experiences. As the Qur'an reminds us:

"Indeed, We created man from a drop of mixed fluid, in order to test him; so We made him hearing and seeing."
(Surah Al-Insan, 76:2)

This test includes the trials of human relationships. We are not perfect beings; our thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses are often flawed. And so, the success of any marriage doesn't lie in marrying a "perfect" partner, but in the willingness to learn, unlearn, and grow.

Two People Can Be Right… and Still Argue

Conflict does not always mean one person is wrong and the other is right. Sometimes, both spouses may be right—but from different perspectives. Recognizing this truth helps us shift from a win-lose to a win-win mindset, which is more compassionate, collaborative, and Qur’ānically grounded.

"And do not forget to show kindness to each other. Truly, Allah loves those who are kind."
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:237)

Self-awareness enables us to pause and reflect:

• What is really driving my reaction?

• Is this about the current issue—or a wound from my past?

• Am I listening to my spouse with empathy, or waiting to defend myself?

The Mirror of Self: Knowing Yourself First

Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It helps us understand our emotions, triggers, strengths, and shortcomings—as well as the social conditioning that shaped us. As the early scholar Ibn al-Qayyim said:

“A person’s knowledge of himself leads to his knowledge of his Lord.”

When we realize that both we and our spouses are works in progress, we become more gentle, more forgiving, and more patient. We learn to apologize sincerely when we err and to forgive generously when we are wronged.

"The strong is not the one who overcomes others by his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger."
(Bukhari & Muslim)

Tyranny in Marriage: A Silent Killer

Let us reflect: what becomes of a woman married to a man who believes he is always right, who views her as a glorified servant or a doormat? Is there any joy, dignity, or serenity in such a union?

This is not the marriage that Allah intended when He said:

"And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find tranquillity in them. And He placed between you affection and mercy..."
(Surah Ar-Rum, 30:21)

Marriage is not slavery. It is a partnership based on love (mawaddah), mercy (rahmah), and tranquillity (sakeenah). The Prophet ﷺ modeled this in his dealings with his wives, showing kindness, playing with them, consulting them, and being emotionally present.

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”
(Tirmidhi, Hasan Sahih)

We Must Do Better — For Allah, For Ourselves, For Our Children

Marriage is not an experiment we can afford to fail. Our spouses are an amaanah from Allah, and our children are the inheritors of the emotional atmosphere we create at home. If we cannot reflect and change, what legacy are we truly leaving behind?

If the home becomes a battlefield of egos, our children suffer quietly, carrying emotional wounds that may affect their faith, relationships, and self-worth for decades.

As the noble Salaf used to say:

“Rectify yourselves, and your households will be rectified by Allah.”

Let us take personal responsibility. Let us learn to pause before reacting, to listen before judging, to pray before speaking, and to forgive even when hurt.

"O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones..."
(Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6)

Marriage requires intentionality. It demands reflection. It thrives with taqwa, empathy, and emotional discipline.

May Allah grant us the humility to admit our flaws, the wisdom to work on them, and the emotional strength to love our spouses sincerely for His sake.
Ameen.

Abu Anas, Abdullateef SADIQ — Dhul Qa'dah 1446AH