What Is Wrong with Shouting and Beating in Raising Children?

A Call to Rethink and Reform Our Parenting Practices with Islam and Insight

I do not write as a perfect parent—far from it. I write as one who has been on both sides of the parenting journey: from reacting to reflecting, from impulse to intention, and from tradition to transformation. Like many others, I passed through an environment where shouting was the soundtrack of correction, and the cane was the go-to solution for every perceived act of defiance. I was once convinced that firm discipline required force. “Resetting a child’s factory settings,” we called it.

But through Allah’s mercy, and the light of personal growth and intentional parenting, I’ve been forced to pause, to reflect, and to unlearn. And I invite you, dear parent, to do the same.

Revisiting the Islamic Perspective

Discipline in Islam is not about control—it’s about tarbiyah, holistic nurturing. It is about shaping the mind, heart, and behavior of a child in ways that please Allah. While correction is part of parenting, how we correct matters immensely.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ—our ultimate example in every role, including that of a caregiver—never raised his hand against a child. He ﷺ never shouted in rage, never lashed out in frustration. Despite the challenges of raising a community, guiding companions, and even interacting with children of all temperaments, his method was steeped in patience and mercy.

The Example of the Prophet ﷺ

Anas ibn Mālik رضي الله عنه said:

“I served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. Not once did he say to me ‘Uff,’ nor did he say about something I had done, ‘Why did you do that?’ or something I hadn’t done, ‘Why didn’t you do that?’”

— [Sahih al-Bukhari, 6038; Sahih Muslim, 2309]

This narration isn't just a beautiful anecdote—it’s a rebuke to our tendencies. If the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, who was entrusted with guiding humanity, could correct and guide without shouting or striking, what then is our excuse?

Yes, he ﷺ did say:

“Instruct your children to pray at seven, and discipline them (strike them lightly) at ten if they neglect it.”

— [Abu Dawood, 495; Hasan according to Shaykh al-Albani]

But this must be understood in its proper context:

• It refers only to prayer, the cornerstone of faith.

• It is to be done at age ten, an age of growing cognitive maturity.

• It must be done lightly, with no harm, no humiliation, and only when all other methods have failed.

Imam Ibn Qayyim رحمه الله explained:

“The child must be nurtured with kindness, love, and wisdom. Beating is the last resort when all means have failed.”

— [Tuhfat al-Mawdūd, 1/229]

So if even for salah, the beating is delayed and restrained, why are we so quick to hit children for childish mistakes like spilling food, breaking toys, or missing homework?

Why Screaming and Beating Fail Us — Through the Lens of Psychology

Beyond Islamic guidance, modern psychology confirms what the Prophet ﷺ modeled over 1400 years ago: that gentleness fosters growth, while harshness breeds harm.

1. It’s Impulsive, Not Intentional

Screaming and beating are not strategies—they’re reactions. They erupt when we are overwhelmed, not when we are in control. But parenting is not about venting emotions. It is about designing an environment of growth and guidance.

Intentional parenting is proactive, not reactive.

2. It Breeds Trauma, Not Discipline

Yelling or hitting may silence a child, but it doesn’t teach them why something is wrong. It teaches fear, not values. Resentment, not responsibility. Children raised under fear-based discipline often become anxious, rebellious, or emotionally withdrawn.

3. It Destroys Self-Worth

Every scream chips away at a child's confidence. Every slap carves the message deeper:

“I’m not good enough.”

“No one understands me.”

“I am a burden.”

These internalized beliefs can lead to depression, low motivation, and broken self-esteem that lasts into adulthood.

4. It Fuels Generational Trauma

Children who are screamed at or beaten often grow up repeating the pattern. “This is how parenting is done,” they think. Without healing, the cycle continues—sometimes harsher than before.

But you can be the cycle breaker.

5. It Reveals Our Trauma, Not Theirs

Sometimes, our children’s behavior triggers pain from our own past. Their mess, noise, or refusal is not the problem. Our unresolved emotions are.

In such moments, the solution is not punishment—but healing.

So What Should We Do Instead?

Intentional Parenting with Faith and Strategy

We must raise our children with a plan, not with pressure. With the Qur’an in our hands and emotional intelligence in our hearts. That means:

🔹 Model What You Want to See

“The best of you are those who are best to their families.”

— [Tirmidhi, 3895]

Our children imitate us. If we model respect, patience, and responsibility, they will too—eventually.

🔹 Speak with Mercy

“And speak to people good words…”

— [Qur’an 2:83]

Speak gently, especially in moments of correction. Our tone can either uplift a child or crush them.

🔹 Use Structure Over Spontaneity

Have clear routines, expectations, and consequences—not chaos or reactionary parenting.

🔹 Pray for Them

“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants...”

— [Qur’an 14:40]

Never stop calling on Allah for your children. Du’a is your most powerful parenting tool.

Children Are a Trust, Not a Test Subject

Let us always remember: Our children are not rebels to be tamed. They are souls to be shaped, hearts to be filled, minds to be cultivated. They are a trust (āmānah) from Allah—not our property, not our enemy, not our ego's outlet.

“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire...”

— [Qur’an 66:6]

This protection begins with mercy. It continues with wisdom. And it succeeds with trust in Allah.

Choose the Better Way

Screaming and beating are easy. Anyone can do that.

But intentional parenting is better. It requires more patience, more humility, more knowledge—and more prayers. But it gives our children far more than fear: it gives them love, faith, confidence, and emotional security.

So let us:

• Pause before we shout.
• Reflect before we react.
• Guide before we discipline.
• And always pray before we proceed.

May Allah help us raise children who are the coolness of our eyes, and who will stand as sadaqah jariyah for us long after we are gone. Aameen.

Further Reading & Alternatives to Shouting and Beating:

👉🏽 The Hidden Damage of Screaming and Beating — and Better Alternatives

Did this reflection stir your heart or open your mind?

🌟 Share the khayr. Leave a comment below with your thoughts.

🧠 Explore more posts to deepen your parenting and marital journey—bi idhnillāh.

💬 Let’s build a future of light, one heart and one home at a time.

Raising Tomorrow Today: The Sacred Responsibility of Intentional Parenting

It is often said that children are the leaders of tomorrow. To many, this may sound like just another poetic expression, but it is far more than that—it is a timeless truth, a spiritual and societal reality. Only those blinded by short-sightedness or numbed by the noise of the present fail to grasp its gravity. Children are not merely vessels waiting to be filled—they are gardens waiting to be nurtured, hearts waiting to be molded, souls waiting to be guided.

The future of any nation, community, or ummah lies in the values and vision we instill in our children today. And the hands that shape these children—those of parents, caregivers, teachers, and mentors—are in fact the architects of tomorrow’s world. A decaying society is not merely the product of failed policies or broken systems; it is often the bitter fruit of neglected homes and emotionally malnourished children.

This awareness is what ignited—and continues to sustain—my lifelong commitment to learning, teaching, and championing intentional parenting. This is not the kind of parenting that merely reacts to misbehavior or scolds at convenience. It is the kind of parenting that is deeply rooted in purpose and prayer—that plants seeds of tawheed, empathy, discipline, gratitude, resilience, and love, not just rules and routines.

Because if we truly desire a world that is safe, sane, spiritually sound, and socially balanced, we cannot bypass the hearts and homes of our children. Children do not grow up in a vacuum; they are shaped by the rhythms, conversations, and emotional climates of their environment. What they become tomorrow is—by Allah’s will and mercy—a reflection of what we build today.

"O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones..."

(Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6)

This powerful āyah is not just a call to religious instruction—it is a command to comprehensive guardianship. It is a divine reminder that our responsibilities extend beyond food and shelter to the realms of faith, emotional intelligence, mental health, and character formation.

But here’s a foundational truth I’ve come to embrace on this journey: you cannot talk about raising wholesome children without addressing the quality of the home they grow in—and that begins with the health of the marriage.

Intentional parenting cannot thrive in a soil poisoned by toxicity, neglect, or emotional chaos. The family system is the first madrasa (school) a child ever knows, and the parents are the first curriculum. If the marriage is defined by cold silence, verbal attacks, emotional manipulation, or unresolved pain, then no matter how much you read parenting books or attend lectures, the child is absorbing a distorted education through experience.

Many marriages today are silently bleeding. Behind the filtered photos and public smiles are deep wounds—traumas unhealed, love languages misunderstood, spiritual neglect, ego battles, and communication breakdowns. In these dysfunctional settings, children do not just hear shouting—they internalize what it means to love, to fight, to forgive, or to fear. They begin scripting the unwritten codes of their own future relationships.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.”

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Parents are not just guardians of children; they are caretakers of the entire emotional and spiritual atmosphere. The marriage is the climate, and the children are the crop. If we want children to flourish, we must cultivate homes that radiate stability, mercy, structure, and mutual respect.

That is why I strongly advocate for comprehensive premarital and marital education—not as a one-day formality before nikah, but as a lifelong process of growth. Couples need to explore self-awareness, emotional healing, gender psychology, communication tools, Islamic rights and responsibilities, conflict resolution, and spiritual connection—before and after marriage.

Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) wisely said:

"How many children have been corrupted by their parents, neglecting them, or by thinking they are doing good while they are actually corrupting them!"

(Tuhfat al-Mawdūd)

To the couple struggling behind closed doors, I say this: you matter. Your marriage matters. Your healing is not just for you—it is for your children, and the generations that will follow you.

Children are silent witnesses. Even when they say nothing, they see everything. You may think you're protecting them from your arguments, your emotional distance, or your inner battles—but they are internalizing it all, consciously or subconsciously. And in time, they will either replicate what they saw or spend years trying to unlearn it.

In a toxic environment, a child doesn’t just suffer—they inherit emotional and relational patterns they never asked for.

So what do we do?

• Break the cycle.
• Begin the healing.
• Fix what you can—and seek wise counsel when you can’t.
• Seek Allah’s guidance.
• Take intentional steps for your sake and theirs.

"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."

(Surah Ar-Ra’d, 13:11)

The choices you make today as a husband, a wife, or a parent will echo through your children’s hearts for the rest of their lives. Let them echo strength, mercy, wisdom, tawakkul, and dignity—not resentment, fear, or dysfunction.

So dear parents, spouses, and mentors:

• Live with legacy in mind.

• Marry with mindfulness.

• Parent with purpose.

• And above all, make du‘ā and seek Allah’s help every step of the way.

"Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous."

(Surah Al-Furqan, 25:74)

Did this reflection stir your heart or open your mind?

🌟 Share the khayr. Leave a comment below with your thoughts.

🧠 Explore more posts to deepen your parenting and marital journey—bi idhnillāh.

💬 Let’s build a future of light, one heart and one home at a time.

Understanding Executive Functions

What are Executive Functions?

Think of executive functions as the brain’s “boss skills.” These are important mental abilities that help children plan, focus, remember instructions, control impulses, manage emotions, and solve problems. Just like a boss in an office directs tasks and keeps everything running smoothly, executive functions organize and guide a child’s thoughts and actions.

Some key executive functions include:

• Working Memory: Holding information in mind (like remembering instructions).

• Inhibitory Control: Stopping impulses or urges (like waiting your turn).

• Cognitive Flexibility: Adjusting to new rules or situations (like switching tasks smoothly).

• Planning and Organization: Figuring out how to do things step-by-step (like getting ready for school).

• Emotional Regulation: Managing feelings in different situations.

Executive Dysfunction: When the Brain’s Boss Needs Support

Sometimes, children struggle with these “boss skills.” This is called executive dysfunction. It means their brain has trouble managing tasks, controlling impulses, or regulating emotions. This isn’t about being “lazy” or “disobedient”—it’s about how their brain is wired or temporarily overwhelmed.

Signs of executive dysfunction might look like:

• Forgetting homework or instructions frequently

• Acting impulsively or interrupting others

• Getting easily frustrated or overwhelmed

• Difficulty starting or finishing tasks

• Trouble organizing belongings or managing time

Why Is This Important for Parents and Teachers?

When children have executive dysfunction, they may seem challenging or “difficult” to manage, but they actually need extra understanding and support. Reacting with beating, harsh scolding, or punishment can hurt their confidence, make their brain more stressed, and worsen their struggles.

How to Support Children with Executive Dysfunction

Here are some gentle and practical ways to help children build their executive functions and thrive:

1. Stay Calm and Patient: Your calmness helps the child feel safe and reduces their anxiety, which can improve brain function.

2. Use Clear, Simple Instructions: Break tasks into small, manageable steps. Instead of “Clean your room,” say, “First put your toys in the box, then put your clothes in the basket.”

3. Create Routines: Consistent daily routines help children know what to expect and reduce decision-making stress.

4. Use Visual Aids: Charts, checklists, and timers help children remember and manage tasks.

5. Practice Emotional Regulation: Teach children to recognize their feelings and use calming techniques like deep breathing or counting.

6. Encourage Breaks: Short, frequent breaks during tasks prevent overwhelm and improve focus.

7. Praise Effort, Not Just Results: Celebrate small achievements to build their confidence and motivation.

8. Avoid Harsh Punishment: Instead of beating or yelling, use positive reinforcement and gentle redirection. Harsh discipline increases stress hormones and can damage the brain’s ability to self-regulate.

Executive functions develop gradually and can be strengthened with support, understanding, and love. By guiding children patiently and respectfully, parents and teachers can help them become confident, organized, and emotionally balanced individuals.

Abu Anas, Abdullateef SADIQ

+2348108537508 

abufaatimah07@gmail.com

Pure Sprouts Nurture Hub 

Unmasking Aggression: Healing Our Pain Before It Becomes Our Children’s Inheritance

Aggression is often misunderstood. We label it as anger, dominance, masculinity, or even leadership. But in many cases, it is a mask—a shield for something much deeper and far more fragile.

Behind the sharp tones, clenched fists, and furrowed brows, there may lie a soul crying for help. A heart broken long ago. A childhood marred by fear, neglect, or shame. A man or woman struggling with burdens they’ve never spoken of. Aggression, in such cases, is not power—it is pain. Unhealed pain.

One of my mentors once said, “Consistent aggressive behavior in men is often a symptom of depression.” This perspective is rarely discussed in our communities. Yet it is essential, especially as parents, caregivers, teachers, and mentors raising the next generation.

💔 The Unseen Wound: When Pain Becomes Personality

Aggression doesn’t come out of nowhere. Emotional pain that remains unaddressed tends to find expression. For some, it turns inward, leading to withdrawal, anxiety, or low self-worth. For others, it turns outward—manifesting as constant irritability, harshness, and even violence.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught us about the value of inner strength over outward reaction. He said:

“The strong is not the one who overcomes others by his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger.”
(Saḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, 6114; Saḥīḥ Muslim, 2609)

This hadith redefines our understanding of strength. True strength lies not in overpowering others, but in mastering ourselves—especially in moments of emotional volatility.

📖 What the Qur’an Says About Anger and Restraint

Allah ﷻ describes the righteous not as those who never feel anger, but those who learn to control it:

“And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous—those who spend in ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people—Allah loves the doers of good.”
(Surah Āli 'Imrān, 3:133–134)

SubhanAllah. Anger is natural, but its management is virtuous. When we suppress and redirect that anger for the sake of Allah, we draw closer to His mercy and His Paradise.

Imam al-Ghazali رحمه الله describes anger as one of the “burning coals of Shayṭān.” It can ignite destructive words and actions if not managed with taqwa and emotional maturity.

🧠 The Psychological Lens: Depression in Disguise

Modern psychology affirms what many of the wise before us have hinted at: persistent aggression may signal deeper issues like depression, unresolved trauma, or anxiety.

Men, in particular, are socially conditioned to suppress emotion—except anger. Sadness, fear, and vulnerability are labeled weak, so many bury them. But these emotions don’t disappear. They transform, often into aggression.

Shaykh al-Islām Ibn Taymiyyah رحمه الله remarked:

“The soul is like a vessel. If it is not filled with the truth, it will be filled with falsehood.”

When we fail to fill our hearts with healing, remembrance, and self-awareness, they become filled with pain, resentment, and reaction.

🧬 The Legacy of Unhealed Trauma

One of the most tragic consequences of unhealed emotional wounds is that they are rarely contained. They spill over—into our relationships, marriages, and most painfully, into our parenting.

Children do not only inherit our physical features. They inherit our emotional tendencies. Our reactivity. Our coping mechanisms. Our silence.

What we fail to heal in ourselves, we often pass down—intentionally or not.

The Salaf were deeply concerned about tarbiyah (nurturing). Imam Mālik رحمه الله would say:

“The rectification of the ummah lies in the rectification of the individuals.”

If we do not break the cycles of emotional dysfunction, who will? If we do not teach our children the language of healing, what will they grow up speaking?

🛠 Healing: A Prophetic Practice

The Prophet ﷺ experienced unimaginable emotional trauma: the death of his parents, the loss of his beloved Khadījah رضي الله عنها, the rejection of his people. Yet, he never let that pain turn into aggression or bitterness.

Instead, he sought solace in dhikr, in du‘ā’, in solitude, and in community. He wept. He paused. He forgave. He healed.

He taught us that asking for help is not weakness. It's humility.

“Indeed, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.”
(Surah ar-Raʿd, 13:28)

 

🌱 Choose Healing. Choose Legacy.

We must make a conscious decision: either we pass down pain, or we pass down peace.

Let us seek help. Let us sit with our discomfort. Let us rewrite the narrative of masculinity and emotional expression. Let us heal—before our children carry wounds they never deserved.

The world doesn’t need more anger. It needs more people brave enough to break the cycle.

Let our children inherit emotional safety, not emotional chaos.

Let them say, “My parents taught me how to love, how to cry, how to calm my storms.”

Let us keep the world both safe and sane—one healed heart at a time.

O Allah, heal our hearts, purify our intentions, and make us a means of mercy, not pain. Help us raise children who are whole, not broken—connected to You, not lost in themselves. Ameen.

© Abu Anas, Abdullateef SADIQ 

Healing for a Better, Safer, and Saner World

"Insanity has many faces — and today, it wears the mask of normalcy."

In today’s world, it has become increasingly difficult to distinguish between what is emotionally healthy and what is simply commonplace. Sadly, what we now normalize as strength, resilience, or even independence, often masks deep-seated emotional pain and psychological distress.

Through my personal interactions — both online and offline — I’ve come to a troubling realization: a vast number of young men and women are drifting mentally and emotionally. Aside from a few who are intentionally working toward emotional intelligence and spiritual balance, many are simply surviving, not thriving. And I do not say this from a place of judgment, but from a place of genuine concern and care.

The Signs of an Ailing Generation

The signs are everywhere. Some are subtle — sarcasm laced with suppressed grief, jokes built on trauma, social media trends that glamorize dysfunction. Others are much more apparent — aggression, detachment, mood instability, and the normalization of cruelty in relationships and daily interactions.

For some, a sincere reminder, a heartfelt du‘ā, or a return to Allah can spark the healing process. For others, the emotional scars are deep and tangled — requiring professional therapy, or in some cases, psychiatric treatment. But many remain undiagnosed and unsupported. Why? Because they’ve learned to wear their pain like armor — laughing through memes, clapping back with snark, hiding wounds behind trendy hashtags and catchy slogans.

One of the most troubling shifts is the rise of default negativity. People now believe that to survive in a “wicked world,” you too must become wicked. We hear slogans like “No gree for anybody” — a mindset that celebrates retaliation, suspicion, and hardness. But where is the character of the Prophet ﷺ in this?

The Prophetic Standard of Emotional Strength

The Prophet ﷺ was tested in ways that would break most people. He was mocked, exiled, betrayed by his people, and lost his beloved wife and children. Yet, his response was never cruelty, sarcasm, or vengeance — it was mercy, resilience, and forgiveness.

He ﷺ said:

“The strong man is not the one who can overpower others in wrestling, but the one who controls himself when he gets angry.”

— Sahih al-Bukhari

Allah Himself reminds us:

“Repel evil with that which is better, and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity will become as though he was a devoted friend.”

— Surah Fussilat (41:34)

We were not created to mirror the brokenness of the world. We were created to bring light into it.

The Call to Heal

Ibn al-Qayyim رحمه الله once said:

“He who does not feel the pain of his own illness will not seek a cure.”

It’s time we stop pretending. Stop glorifying detachment. Stop masking trauma as “vibes.” Your pain is real. Your story matters. But your healing is possible — and necessary.

Don’t let your toxic relationships, painful past, or dysfunctional upbringing define your identity. Don’t let what hurt you turn you into a reflection of that very pain. Heal.

• Be the one who enters a room and brings calm, not chaos.

• Be the friend who uplifts, not wounds.

• Be the parent who models emotional intelligence and tawakkul (trust in Allah).

• Be the believer whose presence reminds others of Allah.

This Ummah desperately needs emotionally stable, spiritually anchored individuals — those who embody rahmah (mercy), emotional discipline, and hope in the face of despair.

Seeking Help Is a Sunnah

If you're struggling, seek help. There is no shame in therapy. There is no weakness in talking about your feelings. The Prophet ﷺ himself sought the comfort of Jibreel (عليه السلام) during moments of great pain and sorrow.

Let the Qur’ān soften your heart.

Let dhikr bring serenity to your mind.

Let du‘ā cleanse your soul.

Let therapy organize your thoughts.

Let good companionship reshape your environment.

A Better You for a Better World

As parents, teachers, caregivers, and community builders, we must commit to healing — not only for our own well-being, but so we can model emotional and spiritual strength for the next generation. Because if we don’t heal, we pass down our pain in the name of parenting. And if we normalize dysfunction, our children inherit a distorted definition of what it means to be strong.

The world doesn’t need more “hard” people.

It needs more healed people.

More hopeful people.

More compassionate people.

And maybe, just maybe — that healing can start with you.

© Abu Anas, Abdullateef SADIQ

Founder, Pure Sprouts Nurture Hub 

Reevaluating the Source of Our Struggles: A Call to Self-Reflection and Purposeful Living

 

Dear brothers and sisters in faith, one of the most profound questions we can ask ourselves in times of difficulty is this:

“Am I a victim of a self-induced or self-orchestrated problem?”

This question, though simple in phrasing, holds the power to unveil layers of personal responsibility, emotional awareness, and spiritual misalignment that often go unexamined. In an age where external circumstances are often blamed for internal turmoil, Islam teaches us to take personal stock before pointing fingers.

Understanding the Root of Our Mental Struggles

Many individuals fall into psychological and emotional traps — not necessarily because of external forces — but due to how their minds have been conditioned. Emotional impulsiveness, attachment to fleeting pleasures, and a constant chase for instant gratification cloud judgment and distort the reality of what truly matters.

Allah warns us about this in the Qur’an:

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not."
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:216)

People often set the conditions for their happiness so high that they become unreachable. They attach their emotional well-being to worldly milestones like academic degrees, job promotions, or wealth — all of which are not guaranteed and may take years to achieve. This false linkage leads to anxiety, sadness, and even despair when those goals seem distant or fail to materialize.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

“Look at those who are lower than you (in worldly matters), and do not look at those who are above you, for this will make you appreciate the blessings Allah has bestowed upon you.”
(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2963)

The Simplicity of Divine Contentment

Islam provides us with a profound psychological anchor: finding joy, purpose, and contentment in simple, daily acts of worship and connection with Allah. When we tie our happiness to what is consistent and spiritually nourishing, our mental and emotional states become more resilient and peaceful.

Examples of such simple yet deeply fulfilling actions include:

• The Five Daily Prayers (Salah): A direct, calming link between the servant and their Lord. The Prophet ﷺ described salah as a source of tranquility, saying:
  "The coolness of my eyes is in prayer."
  (Sunan an-Nasa’i, 3940; graded Sahih)

• Daily Recitation of the Qur'an (Tilawah): The Qur’an is a healing and mercy:
  "And We send down from the Qur'an that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe."
  (Surah Al-Isra, 17:82)

• Gratitude and Dhikr (Remembrance of Allah):
  “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.”
  (Surah Ar-Ra’d, 13:28)

When these become the benchmarks of our satisfaction, we experience peace that is independent of the unpredictable nature of worldly pursuits.

The Wisdom of the Salaf

The righteous predecessors deeply understood this truth. Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) once said:

“What can my enemies do to me? My paradise is in my heart, wherever I go it is with me... If they kill me, it is martyrdom; if they imprison me, it is seclusion with my Lord; if they expel me, it is a journey in the path of Allah.”

This powerful quote illustrates the mindset of one whose internal contentment is rooted in their relationship with Allah, not external outcomes.

Shift the Metric of Your Joy

Beloved brothers and sisters, let us be intentional and wise in how we measure happiness and success. Instead of associating joy with material accomplishments or societal validations, let us link our hearts to that which is simple, achievable, and spiritually uplifting — such as our salah, Qur’an, remembrance of Allah, acts of kindness, and good character.

Let us teach our minds to find peace in submission, not in perfection. Let us train our hearts to celebrate progress, not just performance.

As Allah says:

"Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward according to the best of what they used to do."
(Surah An-Nahl, 16:97)

May Allah grant us the wisdom to see clearly, the strength to realign our intentions, and the peace that comes from living a life grounded in His remembrance and submission.

Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence in Marriage

Marriage is not merely a legal bond or a social contract. It is a sacred trust (amaanah) and one of the most profound means of spiritual growth, emotional refinement, and character development. Yet, one of the leading causes of tension and emotional breakdown in marriages is the lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence on the part of one or both spouses.

Why Conflicts Escalate: The Hidden Roots

Many conflicts in marriage are not necessarily rooted in malice or wickedness. Rather, they stem from unaddressed differences in upbringing, beliefs, values, and expectations. Every individual comes into marriage carrying emotional luggage—shaped by culture, family dynamics, and past experiences. As the Qur'an reminds us:

"Indeed, We created man from a drop of mixed fluid, in order to test him; so We made him hearing and seeing."
(Surah Al-Insan, 76:2)

This test includes the trials of human relationships. We are not perfect beings; our thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses are often flawed. And so, the success of any marriage doesn't lie in marrying a "perfect" partner, but in the willingness to learn, unlearn, and grow.

Two People Can Be Right… and Still Argue

Conflict does not always mean one person is wrong and the other is right. Sometimes, both spouses may be right—but from different perspectives. Recognizing this truth helps us shift from a win-lose to a win-win mindset, which is more compassionate, collaborative, and Qur’ānically grounded.

"And do not forget to show kindness to each other. Truly, Allah loves those who are kind."
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:237)

Self-awareness enables us to pause and reflect:

• What is really driving my reaction?

• Is this about the current issue—or a wound from my past?

• Am I listening to my spouse with empathy, or waiting to defend myself?

The Mirror of Self: Knowing Yourself First

Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It helps us understand our emotions, triggers, strengths, and shortcomings—as well as the social conditioning that shaped us. As the early scholar Ibn al-Qayyim said:

“A person’s knowledge of himself leads to his knowledge of his Lord.”

When we realize that both we and our spouses are works in progress, we become more gentle, more forgiving, and more patient. We learn to apologize sincerely when we err and to forgive generously when we are wronged.

"The strong is not the one who overcomes others by his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger."
(Bukhari & Muslim)

Tyranny in Marriage: A Silent Killer

Let us reflect: what becomes of a woman married to a man who believes he is always right, who views her as a glorified servant or a doormat? Is there any joy, dignity, or serenity in such a union?

This is not the marriage that Allah intended when He said:

"And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find tranquillity in them. And He placed between you affection and mercy..."
(Surah Ar-Rum, 30:21)

Marriage is not slavery. It is a partnership based on love (mawaddah), mercy (rahmah), and tranquillity (sakeenah). The Prophet ﷺ modeled this in his dealings with his wives, showing kindness, playing with them, consulting them, and being emotionally present.

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”
(Tirmidhi, Hasan Sahih)

We Must Do Better — For Allah, For Ourselves, For Our Children

Marriage is not an experiment we can afford to fail. Our spouses are an amaanah from Allah, and our children are the inheritors of the emotional atmosphere we create at home. If we cannot reflect and change, what legacy are we truly leaving behind?

If the home becomes a battlefield of egos, our children suffer quietly, carrying emotional wounds that may affect their faith, relationships, and self-worth for decades.

As the noble Salaf used to say:

“Rectify yourselves, and your households will be rectified by Allah.”

Let us take personal responsibility. Let us learn to pause before reacting, to listen before judging, to pray before speaking, and to forgive even when hurt.

"O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones..."
(Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6)

Marriage requires intentionality. It demands reflection. It thrives with taqwa, empathy, and emotional discipline.

May Allah grant us the humility to admit our flaws, the wisdom to work on them, and the emotional strength to love our spouses sincerely for His sake.
Ameen.

Abu Anas, Abdullateef SADIQ — Dhul Qa'dah 1446AH