Self-Awareness: A Forgotten Pillar in Marital Harmony

Many of the marriages that have ended in separation—or are teetering on the edge of collapse—could have been salvaged if both spouses had nurtured one essential quality: self-awareness.

In the course of listening to countless marital complaints and grievances, a troubling pattern has emerged: spouses often project all the blame onto each other, refusing to acknowledge their own shortcomings. At best, they may admit to one or two minor faults, but even then, it is framed in a way that preserves a sense of superiority or innocence—as though they are the righteous victim in the story.

This mindset is not just damaging—it is dangerous.

The Power of Honest Self-Reflection

Only a self-aware individual is able to pause, reflect, and say with sincerity:

"I made a mistake. I hurt you. I need to change."

This is not weakness. This is maturity. This is strength. This is Islam.

“Indeed, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”

(Qur’an, Surah Ar-Ra’d 13:11)

Change begins from within. When one or both parties refuse to introspect, the marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a sanctuary.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“All the children of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent.”

(Tirmidhi, Hasan)

The noble Companions and the righteous predecessors (Salaf) were known for their humility in accepting correction and seeking forgiveness—even from their spouses. It is narrated that Umar ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه), known for his strength, was also a man who listened to his wife’s advice and did not dismiss her counsel.

The Revenge Trap

Another cause of marital destruction is the culture of revenge that creeps into relationships.

When one spouse is hurt, rather than choosing healing or dialogue, they retaliate. Words become weapons. Hearts harden. Respect dies.

But must you truly take revenge? Is it really worth it?

Revenge is from the nafs—the lower self—not from a God-conscious heart. In fact, Allah elevates those who pardon:

“And the retribution for an evil act is an evil one like it, but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation—his reward is [due] from Allah. Indeed, He does not like the wrongdoers.”

(Qur’an, Surah Ash-Shura 42:40)

The Prophet ﷺ also said:

“The strong is not the one who overcomes others by strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”

(Bukhari and Muslim)

When a marriage reaches a point where each spouse is trying to out-hurt the other, it becomes what psychologists now call a “hypertoxic environment.” Such a home is unsafe not only for the couple—but for the children who witness it. Children raised in an environment of vengeance and emotional chaos are more likely to grow up struggling with self-regulation, trust, and emotional safety.

For the Sake of Your Children

As a parenting blog, this is our plea to every parent:

Your marriage isn’t just about you—it is your children’s first school.

Teach them how to be self-aware. Show them how to apologize. Model emotional responsibility. Let your marriage reflect the mercy, patience, and repentance that Islam calls us to.

Let your home be a space where faults are admitted, forgiveness is given, and growth is constant.

“And live with them in kindness...”

(Qur’an, Surah An-Nisa 4:19)

May Allah rectify our homes, soften our hearts, and help us raise emotionally healthy, spiritually grounded children. Ameen.

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