A Reflection for Every Parent
Many of us were raised in homes where pain was packaged as discipline, silence was mistaken for respect, and toughness was the only proof of survival. We’ve carried these silent bruises into adulthood—into our marriages, and now, into the way we raise our own children.
Behind many failing marriages, distant spouses, and emotionally confused children are adults still bleeding from the wounds of a childhood that never got the chance to heal. Especially in cultures like ours—deeply rooted in tradition, strong in resilience, but often silent about emotional pain—many suffer in silence, and pass it on.
This is a call to pause, reflect, and begin the journey of healing—for the sake of our souls, our spouses, and our children.
1. The Curse of Comparison
“Why can’t you be like your brother?”“Look at your mate. She’s doing better than you!”
These words don’t push children forward—they crush their spirit. You grow up feeling you're never enough. And when you become a spouse, you either hide your feelings in shame or start comparing your partner and children too, unknowingly spreading the same disease.
The Prophet ﷺ taught us to look down, not up—
“Look at those who are below you and do not look at those above you, for it is more suitable that you do not belittle the favor of Allah upon you.”(Muslim, 2963)
2. Words That Wound
Some of us still hear it in our heads:
“You’re useless.” “You’ll never do well.”
These weren’t just scoldings. They were character assassinations. The tongue, though small, can destroy an entire future.
So we grow up with a voice in our heads that sounds like our parents—except now, we say those same words to our spouses, or our own children. The cycle continues.
The Prophet ﷺ was never foul-mouthed. He said:
“A believer is not one who curses, nor one who insults, nor is he obscene or vulgar.”(Tirmidhi, 1977)
3. When Beatings Replace Boundaries
Some were beaten until their skin burned or their bodies trembled—all for spilling water or forgetting a chore. What was taught wasn’t discipline, but fear, shame, and helplessness.
Such a child grows into an adult who either accepts abuse, or uses violence as a tool for control. Either way, the home is no longer safe.
Anas ibn Malik said:
“I served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. Never did he say to me, ‘Uff.’ Never did he say, ‘Why did you do that?’ or ‘Why didn’t you do that?’”(Muslim)
4. When Feelings Were a Crime
Tears were dismissed. Anger was forbidden. Sadness was mocked.
“Stop crying!”“You’re just being dramatic.”
Children learn quickly: feelings are dangerous. So they grow up emotionally numb. As spouses, they can’t connect. As parents, they can’t empathize. Because they were taught to silence their hearts.
Yet our Prophet ﷺ cried openly. When his son Ibrahim passed away, he said:
“The eyes shed tears, the heart grieves, but we only say what pleases our Lord.”(Bukhari)
This is the balance: feeling deeply, while surrendering fully.
5. The Loneliness of Being Ignored
We learned to suffer in silence—and now, that silence is killing our marriages.
6. The Voice That Was Never Heard
When a child is told:
“Shut up, you don’t know anything.”“Children should not speak when adults are talking.”
They grow up with voices trapped inside them. Ideas die. Confidence disappears. In marriage, they become withdrawn—or worse, they silence their spouse and children, just as they were silenced.
7. Forced to Grow Too Fast
A child made to carry adult burdens—cooking, cleaning, babysitting—without rest, without thanks.
They grow up exhausted. In marriage, they do everything and resent everyone. As parents, they expect perfection and push their children too hard.
Responsibility without love breeds burnout, not strength.
8. Gender Inequality in the Name of Culture
“You’re a girl, stay in the kitchen.”“You’re a boy, don’t do housework.”
This is not Islam—it’s culture gone wrong. Boys grow up entitled. Girls grow up insecure. Both suffer in marriage, because respect and empathy were never taught.
9. Parenting Through Fear, Not Connection
“Just do what I said!”“Don’t ask questions!”
This fear-based parenting creates compliance, not character. Children raised in fear will either rebel, or raise their own children in the same cold way.
10. No Words of Love or Affirmation
Some of us never heard, “I’m proud of you,” or “I love you.” Only criticism, silence, or anger.
So we grow up unable to give praise, even to the ones we love the most. And now, our spouses and children crave what we were never taught to give.
But the Prophet ﷺ said to Mu’adh:
“By Allah, I love you.”(Abu Dawood, 1529)
Love is not weakness. It is the Sunnah.
11. Religion Taught as Punishment
Woken up harshly for Fajr, punished for forgetting Qur’an, forced to fast without explanation. It’s no wonder some walk away from Islam entirely.
Islam is beauty, but when introduced through fear and force, it becomes trauma.
12. The Weight of What People Will Say
“Behave! What will people say?”
A child grows up obsessed with appearances. In adulthood, they fake happiness, hide their pain, and run a marriage based on public image—not private reality.
Islam calls us to be sincere, not performative.
The Wound May Not Be Your Fault—But Healing Is Your Responsibility
We didn’t choose our childhood. But we must choose how it ends.
We are now the parents. We are now the husbands. We are now the wives. And the damage we ignore becomes the damage we inflict.
Allah reminds us:
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.”(Surah Ar-Ra’d 13:11)
The journey of healing begins with:
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Naming the pain
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Grieving the loss
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Learning a new way
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Trusting Allah to guide the process
You don’t have to be a perfect parent. But please, don’t be an unhealed one.
Let’s End the Cycle. For Their Sake.
Let’s raise children who don’t have to recover from their parents. Let’s build marriages that feel safe, soft, and spiritually nourishing.
Let it begin with you.
📩 abufaatimah07@gmail.com
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