Breaking the Cycle: Mr. Walad’s Story and the Silent Crisis in Our Homes
Meet Mr. Walad — a man in his forties, blessed with two boys and two girls. On the surface, he seems like the typical middle-aged father navigating work, family, and daily life. Raised by parents who were, to all outward appearances, “happily married,” he was told all his life that what he experienced growing up was normal. But beneath the surface lies a marriage on a keg of gunpowder, silently ticking… one emotional disconnect at a time.
A Childhood That Never Taught Him Love
Mr. Walad was raised in a home that many would call “disciplined.” His parents were strict authoritarians — swift to punish, quick to shout, and always emotionally unavailable. Love was not spoken, affection not shown, and emotions were seen as weakness.
He never heard “I love you.”He never saw his parents embrace each other.He never learned to cry, because “real men don’t cry.”
Instead, his feelings were ignored — unless he was physically ill. His achievements were never celebrated. When he placed second in a class of seventy students, instead of applause, he was asked:
“Did the one who took first have two heads?”
What he learned wasn’t how to love — but how to perform. And worse still, how to suppress and punish any sign of vulnerability.
A Husband Struggling with Patterns He Never Questioned
Fast forward into adulthood — Mr. Walad is now a husband, but one who has carried the same emotional emptiness into his marriage.
He expects perfection from his wife — in silence, in submission, in everything. He hits her when she talks back, because that’s what he saw growing up. He criticizes more than he praises, because that's what he knows. He believes buying her occasional gifts equals love, but has never once said “I love you” — because in his world, masculinity means emotional numbness.
Yet, his wife is emotionally starved. She is exhausted, overburdened, and resentful. She works hard at her job, takes care of the home, and endures emotional and physical detachment. Intimacy is mechanical and painful — he is too rough, too disconnected, too selfish. Sadly, she too was never taught how to love. She came into marriage broken — with a different but equally harmful pattern.
A Father Who Thinks Money Replaces Presence
Mr. Walad believes he's a good father because he spends lavishly on his children — toys, gadgets, clothes, school fees. But he does not know his children. He doesn't talk with them, laugh with them, or hold them in his arms. He has never asked how they feel, what they dream of, or what they fear.
He doesn’t understand that to a child, thirty minutes of focused, loving time daily is worth more than a mountain of gifts.
The Prophet ﷺ once delayed his prayer just to carry a child crying at the back of the masjid (Bukhari). He played with children, kissed them, joked with them. That’s the gold standard of fatherhood in Islam.
The Tragic Refusal to Heal
When his wife, after twelve long years of emotional survival, finally suggested marriage therapy, Mr. Walad scoffed:
“Therapy? That’s for weaklings. I’m not sick. I’m a man.”
To him, seeking help is a slap to his masculinity — another dangerous lie society has fed men for generations.
But the real sickness is refusing to heal.
Allah says: “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Qur’an 13:11)
Change begins from within — not from clinging to inherited wounds masquerading as strength.
The Vicious Cycle Most Men Don’t See
Mr. Walad’s story isn’t unique. In fact, it is the silent story of millions of men — raised in emotionally deprived environments, repeating cycles they never examined.
They were never taught that:
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Affection isn’t weakness.
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Correction doesn’t require cruelty.
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Leadership means emotional presence, not tyranny.
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Love isn’t shown through money alone.
They were raised by fathers who tried their best — but within a system that valued silence over expression, control over connection, and authority over empathy.
As Imam Ibn Qayyim (rahimahullah) said, “He who nurtures his children with kindness will find their hearts softened for him.”
The Way Forward: Break the Pattern
It’s not your fault how you were raised — but it is your responsibility to grow, to heal, and to break the chain.
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Seek therapy or counselling — not because you're broken, but because you care enough to become better.
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Talk about your past — what hurt you, and what you don’t want to pass on.
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Apologize to your spouse — not for being human, but for not yet learning how to be a safe space.
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Connect with your children — on the floor, in their play, in their world.
There is no shame in healing, and no honor in repeating pain.
It’s Time to Break the Cycle — For Our Ummah’s Future
What Mr. Walad didn’t realize is this: you can’t parent or love well from an empty emotional cup. If we do not heal our inner wounds, we will bleed them into our marriages and into our children.
Let’s be the generation that changes the narrative.
Let’s raise children who won’t need to recover from their parents.
Let’s be men and women who walk in the footsteps of the Prophet ﷺ — the most emotionally intelligent, loving, and balanced man to ever live.
Need help? It’s not weakness. It’s wisdom.
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