What Is Wrong with Shouting and Beating in Raising Children?

A Call to Rethink and Reform Our Parenting Practices with Islam and Insight

I do not write as a perfect parent—far from it. I write as one who has been on both sides of the parenting journey: from reacting to reflecting, from impulse to intention, and from tradition to transformation. Like many others, I passed through an environment where shouting was the soundtrack of correction, and the cane was the go-to solution for every perceived act of defiance. I was once convinced that firm discipline required force. “Resetting a child’s factory settings,” we called it.

But through Allah’s mercy, and the light of personal growth and intentional parenting, I’ve been forced to pause, to reflect, and to unlearn. And I invite you, dear parent, to do the same.

Revisiting the Islamic Perspective

Discipline in Islam is not about control—it’s about tarbiyah, holistic nurturing. It is about shaping the mind, heart, and behavior of a child in ways that please Allah. While correction is part of parenting, how we correct matters immensely.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ—our ultimate example in every role, including that of a caregiver—never raised his hand against a child. He ﷺ never shouted in rage, never lashed out in frustration. Despite the challenges of raising a community, guiding companions, and even interacting with children of all temperaments, his method was steeped in patience and mercy.

The Example of the Prophet ﷺ

Anas ibn Mālik رضي الله عنه said:

“I served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. Not once did he say to me ‘Uff,’ nor did he say about something I had done, ‘Why did you do that?’ or something I hadn’t done, ‘Why didn’t you do that?’”

— [Sahih al-Bukhari, 6038; Sahih Muslim, 2309]

This narration isn't just a beautiful anecdote—it’s a rebuke to our tendencies. If the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, who was entrusted with guiding humanity, could correct and guide without shouting or striking, what then is our excuse?

Yes, he ﷺ did say:

“Instruct your children to pray at seven, and discipline them (strike them lightly) at ten if they neglect it.”

— [Abu Dawood, 495; Hasan according to Shaykh al-Albani]

But this must be understood in its proper context:

• It refers only to prayer, the cornerstone of faith.

• It is to be done at age ten, an age of growing cognitive maturity.

• It must be done lightly, with no harm, no humiliation, and only when all other methods have failed.

Imam Ibn Qayyim رحمه الله explained:

“The child must be nurtured with kindness, love, and wisdom. Beating is the last resort when all means have failed.”

— [Tuhfat al-Mawdūd, 1/229]

So if even for salah, the beating is delayed and restrained, why are we so quick to hit children for childish mistakes like spilling food, breaking toys, or missing homework?

Why Screaming and Beating Fail Us — Through the Lens of Psychology

Beyond Islamic guidance, modern psychology confirms what the Prophet ﷺ modeled over 1400 years ago: that gentleness fosters growth, while harshness breeds harm.

1. It’s Impulsive, Not Intentional

Screaming and beating are not strategies—they’re reactions. They erupt when we are overwhelmed, not when we are in control. But parenting is not about venting emotions. It is about designing an environment of growth and guidance.

Intentional parenting is proactive, not reactive.

2. It Breeds Trauma, Not Discipline

Yelling or hitting may silence a child, but it doesn’t teach them why something is wrong. It teaches fear, not values. Resentment, not responsibility. Children raised under fear-based discipline often become anxious, rebellious, or emotionally withdrawn.

3. It Destroys Self-Worth

Every scream chips away at a child's confidence. Every slap carves the message deeper:

“I’m not good enough.”

“No one understands me.”

“I am a burden.”

These internalized beliefs can lead to depression, low motivation, and broken self-esteem that lasts into adulthood.

4. It Fuels Generational Trauma

Children who are screamed at or beaten often grow up repeating the pattern. “This is how parenting is done,” they think. Without healing, the cycle continues—sometimes harsher than before.

But you can be the cycle breaker.

5. It Reveals Our Trauma, Not Theirs

Sometimes, our children’s behavior triggers pain from our own past. Their mess, noise, or refusal is not the problem. Our unresolved emotions are.

In such moments, the solution is not punishment—but healing.

So What Should We Do Instead?

Intentional Parenting with Faith and Strategy

We must raise our children with a plan, not with pressure. With the Qur’an in our hands and emotional intelligence in our hearts. That means:

🔹 Model What You Want to See

“The best of you are those who are best to their families.”

— [Tirmidhi, 3895]

Our children imitate us. If we model respect, patience, and responsibility, they will too—eventually.

🔹 Speak with Mercy

“And speak to people good words…”

— [Qur’an 2:83]

Speak gently, especially in moments of correction. Our tone can either uplift a child or crush them.

🔹 Use Structure Over Spontaneity

Have clear routines, expectations, and consequences—not chaos or reactionary parenting.

🔹 Pray for Them

“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants...”

— [Qur’an 14:40]

Never stop calling on Allah for your children. Du’a is your most powerful parenting tool.

Children Are a Trust, Not a Test Subject

Let us always remember: Our children are not rebels to be tamed. They are souls to be shaped, hearts to be filled, minds to be cultivated. They are a trust (āmānah) from Allah—not our property, not our enemy, not our ego's outlet.

“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire...”

— [Qur’an 66:6]

This protection begins with mercy. It continues with wisdom. And it succeeds with trust in Allah.

Choose the Better Way

Screaming and beating are easy. Anyone can do that.

But intentional parenting is better. It requires more patience, more humility, more knowledge—and more prayers. But it gives our children far more than fear: it gives them love, faith, confidence, and emotional security.

So let us:

• Pause before we shout.
• Reflect before we react.
• Guide before we discipline.
• And always pray before we proceed.

May Allah help us raise children who are the coolness of our eyes, and who will stand as sadaqah jariyah for us long after we are gone. Aameen.

Further Reading & Alternatives to Shouting and Beating:

👉🏽 The Hidden Damage of Screaming and Beating — and Better Alternatives

Did this reflection stir your heart or open your mind?

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